I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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