Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
