So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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