Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We're too hungover to prance.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
