Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
