nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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