my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
