he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
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