Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
