We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
