some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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