I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she pinky promised me she was 18
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
