i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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