Well douche your snatch and let's go!
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
