The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
