I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You made out with two different species that night
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
