Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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