when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
