not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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