we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
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