I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
