It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
