im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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