every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My cat gives me a boner
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
