Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
