Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
