its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
