OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
