My Higher Power is John Stamos
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
