im holly from the hills drunk
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
