so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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