we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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