My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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