Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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