I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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