My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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