I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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