dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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