An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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