I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
