when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
