that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
