i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
