Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
and she was petting her beer can
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
