You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
