Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
