i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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