you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Randomize
