he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
