I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
