I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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