so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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