He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
