He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
